In a slump - off to Germany

I've been in a bit of a fog for the last week. My last 2 infusions of chemo and my bone drug have each caused intense pain, fatigue, and feeling bad overall. The last few months have certainly been difficult, and caused a shift in mood. This in turn causes a general downward spiral of sadness and lost motivation. But it's temporary and I'll pick myself up again and move forward! So what's next? 1) We've cancelled my next chemo...this may be the end of Vinorelbine. 2) I still need to have a brain MRI to see the results of my last SRS treatment. But my latest CT scan showed everything else is stable. 3) All my research of possible treatments has led me to Germany. I'm not ready to go for another round of heavy chemo. So I'm planning to make a trip there in a few weeks. They will use hyperthermia and other alternative therapies in conjunction with low dose chemo. I think the time is right, and if I don't try it, I will regret it. I hate to leave the kids for 3 weeks, but they will be surrounded by family and friends, to help out while I'm away. I will be accompanied by my friend, my Mom, Mark, and my friend that lives in Germany. Between them, I'll have someone with me for the whole time. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm hopeful that it will make a difference in my life. I'll be there November 18 - December 9, and will try to keep you updated by blogging my experience. When I get home, we'll redo my scans and re-evaluate what's next. Prayers and positive light please!

Croatia

I never had a chance to post anything about our family holiday this past summer...a post about something good this time! We had an incredible holiday in Croatia this past July. It was fantastic to spend 2 weeks together as a family. Life seems so busy these days, and we don't get enough time together. We arrived in Split, Croatia, and spent 2 days exploring the old city before boarding our 49 foot sailboat. Then we sailed the adriatic coast for 1 week, with our skipper Marco. The water and coastline were spectacular, as well as the small fishing villages where we spent most evenings anchored off shore. We ended our week in Dubrovnik, an 800 year old walled city. It was so beautiful and historical. What a great experience for us all. Here's a few pictures of our trip.

SRS Update

Yesterday was a very long and anxiety inducing day. Getting the halo attached to my head was so traumatic. I really didn't know what lay ahead, but I'm not sure that would have helped! The halo weighed about 5 lbs, and was screwed into my head with 4 screws. Then I had a CT scan for them to plan the radiation treatment. After that, I had 8 uncomfortable hours to wait for the treatment, with that thing on my head. Thank you to Dana, Alissa, Natasha and Astrid for stopping by, to see me at my worst! It really helped to pass the time and to cheer me up. Most of all, I am so grateful that Wendy could make the trip from NC to be with me. She held my hand every step of the way. I can only imagine how difficult is was for Mark to watch me go through all that...I love you hon. As scary as this process was, I feel fortunate to have been able to get it here at Sunnybrook. This advanced technology wasn't available in Canada even 4 years ago. I woke up after 12 hours sleep feeling pretty good. But I tired out very quickly, and had a bit of a headache. Surprisingly, the screws only left very small spots on my head, one over each eye, and I didn't have the swelling I thought I would. Im just glad it's all over! The radiation will continue to attack the tumor over the next few months. I'll do an MRI in 2 months to see how it's working. It will work!! My hopes for this fall are to get active and strong again. We had a great summer, but traveling, kids schedules and chemo left little time for me. So I'm hoping to get back into yoga, and anything else I can to get Strong. Love and blessings :-))

New Trouble

This journey just keeps on giving! Unfortunately, my last CT scan showed a small spot on my brain...one of my biggest fears. So tomorrow morning I'll be having Stereotactic Radio Surgery. It is targeted radiation, which doesn't affect the surrounding tissue. The scariest part is that they attach a halo to my head, to stabilize me. I'm so nervous about this procedure. But I also feel confident that this is the right treatment, and it will get rid of the lesion. The rest of my cancer is stable, so I will continue with my current chemo...2 infusions every three weeks. I'm so happy that Wendy made the trek home to be with us, and to hold my hand tomorrow. Its been a crazy week with the kids back at school. So I really haven't had time to update my friends. But I wanted to let you know. Please send your prayers and positive energy my way! I'll post an update as soon as I can.

Chemo - Round 3

I always knew the day would come, but I'm still overwhelmed to think about another round of chemo. In March, after a year and a half on my easy and well tolerated Xeloda, the disease in my bones started to progress. The thought of chemo caused such anxiety at the time, that I chose to try hormone treatment. But unfortunately, it's not working. Things have continued to progress. So here I sit at the hospital, waiting to attack this beast for the third time, this time with Vinorelbine. Hopefully we can knock it out for a while, so I can have another long run of health. I don't really know what to expect, but they say this drug is very well tolerated. School wraps up next week. It's so hard to believe Zach and Zoe are finishing grades 4 and 3. They've each had a great year. Zachary got 3rd place in the grade 4 speech presentation, and is so excited to have won a house head position in the recent elections. Zoe has also had a great year, is loving gymnastics, and has mastered riding a bike. We're going on a trip to Croatia soon. I'm so excited to take the kids to Europe for the first time. I hear it's so beautiful there, and a week on a 49 foot sailboat will be a great adventure for all of us, and great for family time together. Wishing everyone a beautiful summer!

Fall is Here

As the kids return to school, I reflect on the summer past. Time flies so quickly. We had a nice summer, with time at the cottage, summer camp, and hanging out at home. I continued having pain in my back, which interfered with working out, and my overall well-being. But I finally started taking a new drug for the achiness, and had one dose of radiation to my lower back and hip. Wow!!! I feel like a new person!! It was immediate relief...I am so thankful. So we settle into a new school year. Zachary is in grade 4, and Zoe in 3. We're back to homework battles, and the business of the school year. I don't remember life being so crazy when we were kids. It's difficult to find time for joy, fun, and family time together when there seems to be so much for everyone to do. It seems silly to put "have fun" on the calendar, but sometimes necessary! This year I've also taken on the role of Treasurer of the school parent council. I'm having fun looking after something other than my family. And although its great to return to life's normal activities, I'm trying to remember my self-care, and life's priorities. When focus strays from blessings and gratitude towards wanting more...things, vacations, time...joy is lost and an uneasiness sets in. So I'm planning to fit in more walks, pilates, and meditation...Om! We're also planning to walk 5km in the Scotiabank Waterfront Marathon on October 16th. Please consider joining us, or making a donation to sponsor me. All proceeds raised by my team will go to Wellspring Cancer Support Foundation. See the direct link to my personal page below to make a donation. Happy Fall!

Please support the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Charity Challenge This year I'm hoping to raise $5000 towards Wellspring Cancer Support Foundation...my lifeline during my cancer diagnosis and treatment. Your donations are greatly appreciated!! Thank you for all the incredible support...together we raised over $10,000!!

It's been so long since I've done a blog update. Life has been busy, and that's a good thing. So here it is in a list...in no particular order.

~ I'm learning to breathe more deeply, and to live with more gratitude each day.
~ I'm working to align my priorities with how I live my life. This is not as easy as it sounds, as I get caught up in to-do lists. But I'm trying to let go of the "should do's", and not feel guilty about doing what gives me joy.
~ I think about moving a lot these days, but I'm not sure where. I'd like to downsize and simplify, but would also like a pool, and something more urban. I'll have to play with this idea some more.
~ I've finally started reading for pleasure again (as opposed to research). I've read Secret Daughter, Cutting for Stone, and next up is The Help.
~ My Sister is moving to North Carolina. I felt an intense sense of loss and sadness when she first told me. She has been my go-to person in my journey with the health care system. I always know she's there for me when I need something, or someone. I also feel so sad for Zoe and Zach, who will no longer have cousins in Toronto. Zoe especially has had a very close relationship with Mikaela, which we'll have to continue to nurture. I'm beginning to accept the move, and see the possibilities...opportunities for travel, and maybe some family vacations together...maybe it will make for better quality time and connections.
~ I'm trying to get back into scrapbooking, and documenting our story, photos, and daily life. This can only happen when I choose to do that which gives me joy.
~ Zachary just turned 9! I still think of him as my baby, and remember so clearly the day he was born. He is smart and creative; loves Lego, Star Wars, Star Trek, and has letely become obsessed with Harry Potter. He has almost finished the first book. We have just introduced him to golf, and he seems to like it, and has a nice shot too.
~ Zach and Zoe have both learned to ride their bikes without training wheels. We are looking forward to some family rides together this summer.
~ I'm still on the same chemo I started last August. My tumors have remained stable. My bloodwork has been excellent, so I convinced my doctor to let me see him less often...now every 4 weeks. What a huge deal to not be at the hospital so often.
~ The kids have finished school and we are looking forward to the summer...camp, Niagara wine tour with friends, 2 weeks at a cottage.
~ As much as I try to exercise, for both my mental and physical health, it always seems to cause more pain. Possibly periformis, but I'm not doing much these days, as I try to figure it out. It seems as though I always have one pain or another, although I'm feeling pretty good most of the time.
~ For my Birthday/Mother's Day gift I got an iPad...I'm loving it.

I'm so happy to report that I've just seen my new oncologist today (who I really like, by the way), and my last scans showed that my tumours shrank a bit more. I am so encouraged by this news.

I feel like I've been doing so much research this past year, and still don't have many answers. I'm still trying to put my healing plan in place, and settle into a routine given this new knowledge. I have recently discovered a website that has become my main source of information and inspiration ... Crazysexylife.com. Kris Carr was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 8 years ago, which took her on a journey to discover how to heal herself through diet and lifestyle changes. She has basically done much of the work for me, and put it all in her new book, Crazy Sexy Diet (which I was reading until 1:30am this morning!!-way past my bedtime!). But she is also very inspiring and motivating, which helps me along. She's awesome...check her out if you have a chance.

I like to attribute at least some of my success to the changes I have made to my diet and my complementary therapies. At least it makes me feel like I have some control over my disease. I still have a lot of work to do to incorporate more yoga, visualization and meditation into my life - how do I find the time?! But I see myself healthy and present for a long time to come!!

Namaste.

It's been so long since I posted! We had a nice holiday, with very little on the agenda. But we went to Blue Mountain for New Years. The kids skiied, and we got to relax a little with friends.

It's hard to believe that 2010 is over. While it has been a rough year, I'm thankful for my family, and the love and support friends have given us. 2011 will be full with busy kids and a focus on health, spirit, finding joy and living in the present.

Best wishes for health and happiness in 2011!